Changes
by starbright
Summary: Abby finds she can change and grow from the many things that happen to her, both good and bad. A post episode series for Season 10. Chapter 17 is up...Post episode for " Just A Touch"
1. Default Chapter

Title: Changes 

Disclaimer: I do not own ER!! 

Spoilers for "Now What?" 

Summary: This is an Abby point of view post episode series, beginning with "Now What?" 

Author's Note: Kenziegal, Sunni and Taylor Wise. You did such a great job doing the season 9 post episode series; I hope I can do half as well as you did_. _

**Chapter 1:**

I waited until I heard the door closed behind him before I got out of bed.  I saw the key lying in the drawer, where he had left it just a few seconds ago.

_Can I have my key back, please?___

I never planned on asking for my keys back, but I was just so upset at him for leaving like that two weeks ago. Would I have known that he was leaving for Africa if I didn't bumped into him that night?

What did he expect me to do, welcome him back, and just expect everything that would be okay between us, like nothing had happened before he left? That there wasn't a strain in our relationship and that we didn't talk to each other for a week before he left for Africa? Two weeks isn't going to make anything better, it will take more than that. 

**

I was at the admitting desk when he came up to me; there was this awkward silence between us that has never been there before. I saw Susan looking at me, silently telling me to talk to Carter, but I didn't know what to say to him.

I saw him walking away; and I started to walk away too, but he turned, bumping into me.  

"Hey," I said shyly. 

"Hey, you want to... get a cup of coffee? "he said.   I nodded. 

 However, when we walked outside, the silence was still there between us, until Carter started the conversation. 

"I guess we won't be going to Doc Maggos for coffee, I forgot that it wasn't here anymore, so much has change since I left, " he said, sadly.  

I didn't know if he meant the ER or us.  

"How have you been?" he asked me. 

"Good," I said, instead of saying that I was worried about him for the last two weeks. 

"The ER is definitely different, I got a surprise when I returned and I didn't know where the lounge was… I was only gone for two weeks, right?" he laughed. I smiled at him; maybe everything was going to be okay with us. 

 "So how was it?" I said.

"It was incredible. And it was terrible. It was... It was kids with polio. It was kids dying from malnutrition, and malaria, and whooping cough. And it was beautiful. I mean, the country's beautiful. Hospital doesn't have enough staff, so the patients', uh, family members, then stay with them. They cook for them, they clean for them, they even, uh, change the sheets. It was a life-changing experience. I just don't know how yet."

I looked at him, wondering what else had happened in Africa. What did he experience there? But I knew right now wasn't the time to ask.

 "Where's Luka?"

 Why did I ask my boyfriend about my ex-boyfriend? Maybe because that is the easier thing to talk about it..then ask about what happened in Africa or our relationship

 "Is what this is about?" he asked. 

Did he really think this was just about Luka, doesn't he realize that I thought of him when he was in Africa? Maybe I didn't show it to him when he returned home, but I didn't expect to wake up and see him sitting there in front of me. Maybe I could handle it better, but I don't think before I speak.

"No," I said.  

" Luka is fine.. more than fine"

"What does that mean?" I asked. I didn't understand what was he saying is he still jealous of Luka? We have been in a relationship for a year; does he still think that I still love Luka?

 "You know we don't talk?"

"Aren't we talking right now?" he said.

We used to talk about everything. We knew how the other one thought and feel, even before the other one did. But ever since his grandmother's funeral, we lost that touch that we have with each other. Will we ever get back? 

"Your mouth is moving. I mean, you give the impression that we're having a real conversation, but when you finish, I have no idea what you're thinking." 

 He looked at me liked he understood what I was saying. "We were talking about Africa?" 

I nodded.   "I don't know. You know I didn't want you to go and you went anyway. What, were you trying to hurt me?"

"No, why would I hurt you?" he said. 

"I don't know. I don't know. Why *would* you want to hurt me?"

 Because I hurt you when I left to find my brother instead of being with you when you needed me the most, or when my brother ruined your grandmother's funeral, or when I put my family first before you?

That it's always my family before you... And you got tired of it?

  
"It wasn't about you. "he said, but I knew that somehow it was.   
  


"Oh, come on! You weren't even going to tell me you were going! If I hadn't bumped into you when you were leaving, I wouldn't have even known. "

It was a stupid question, but I don't know how what he is thinking anymore, I needed to know… exactly what he is feeling, and right now, I have no clue.

"I wasn't trying to hurt you. I wanted to feel like I was really doing something. "he said. 

Does he not realize what he does here… He is one of the best doctors here… He does so much good, he doesn't need to go to Africa to do that… but I can't tell him that. I could before, but not anymore. 

I had to ask the question that I wanted to know ever since he left.  "Did you even think about me? " He said yes, but he couldn't tell me what he thought about me.

 I started walk away from him. We weren't going anywhere with the conversation. I don't know anymore than I knew before. 

"Okay. Walk away, Abby. That's what you do best," he said.  I don't know if he was trying to annoy me, but he did. I was going to go back inside, but I had to turn around. 

"You know what you do best; always make this about my problems… But you have big problems too."  

 Chuny come up to me, and I knew by the look on her face that something was wrong. She told me about Luka. This can't be happening, he can't be gone. I don't know what Carter was shouting at me about, but I looked at him, and I didn't have to say anything, he just knew. 

What upset me the most was that that call could have easily been about Carter, not Luka. But it won't be because Carter is here safe and sound. I might be mad at him, but at least I know he is alive. 

**

Later that night… 

I walked into my bedroom and saw the key lying where I left it before I went to work.  I picked it up… I remember the day that I gave the key to Carter; I never thought I would get back… I always thought we would be together forever. 

But he is gone… back to Africa.

_"John. Please. Please just stay. I can't keep doing this!""_

I told him not to go, I was so afraid for him. It took a lot for me to say that to him, I am so used to people leaving me. my father, Eric. I already lost Luka. I don't want to lose Carter. Wwhy couldn't he at least wait until it was a little safer for him to go? 

I was sitting on the bed when I felt something at my feet. I looked down and saw that it was a picture of me and John at Susan's Christmas party.  I must have dropped it on the floor when I was trying to find pictures to give back to Carter. 

Happier times. What I would do to go back to those times.  We are in the same situation that we were in two weeks ago. Nothing has changed. He left again without a proper goodbye. 

I understand that he thinks he shouldn't have left Luka there, but what makes him think that he is going be fine, and nothing is going to happen to him?

I picked up the picture of me and Carter, smiling. It was good while it lasted. Somehow I just know that it's never going to be the same between us. 

I picked up the photo, and threw it in the trash can, there was no use keeping it… the happier times are over.. and might never come back!!!

**Author's Note: I would like to thank Kenziegal and Lanie for answering my questions, and I would also like to thank for Lanie for editing this for me.. in such short notice.  It means so much to me.. thanks!!!**

**I also like to thank Manda for listening me go on and on about the story!!!******


	2. Chapter 2

**Changes **

  
Spoilers for "Dear Abby" 

  
**  
Chapter 2 **

**  
**  
I am definitely in need of a change.   
  
Everything else in my life is changing. No boyfriend. A job I hate.   
  
When I saw Luka coming through the ER doors, and I didn't see Carter, I just knew that he wasn't coming back. I kind of hoped that there was some other reason, but when I read the letter, I knew the truth.   
  
He broke up with me and is staying in Africa. I don't blame him, it wasn't like our relationship was going anywhere… we were at a dead end. I was just glad that one of us had the guts to realize it.   
  
I just hope he finally found what he has been looking for in Africa that he couldn't get in Chicago or with me.   
  
**   
I slammed the locker shut. "Having a bad day, are we?" Susan asked, as she walked up to me. I nodded.   
  
"I'm sorry how I acted… but you have to remember that you are the nurse, and I am the doctor. You shouldn't have talked to my patient about her condition" Susan said sternly.   
  
Just a nurse that is all I will ever be.   
  


I nodded. "I know, but I just felt like she needed to know," I tried to explain. Susan quickly changed the subject.

 "So what about the letter were you talking to me about before?" Susan asked. Oh the letter... the one that the whole hospital has read. The whole hospital knows my personal life. Nothing can be a secret in this hospital.   
  
"Carter sent me a "Dear John" letter," I said quietly, not really wanting to talk about it. It was over, there was nothing that I could do about it or change about it.   
  
"I am sorry, are you okay?" Susan asked.   
  
"Yeah, it was for the best. I'm just glad that Carter realized that we shouldn't be together. It wasn't right from the start… we should have never gotten together..."   
  
Susan looked at me like she didn't believe me. She was like Carter in a way, always knowing how I was feeling, even if I didn't say it. What was I supposed to tell her, that I couldn't believe that Carter and I broke up? That I knew we were having problems, but I thought we could sort them out when he returned from Africa?   
  
"And get this: he is staying in Africa, and he doesn't know when he is coming back to Chicago."   
  
"Really?" Susan said, surprised. "Why don't we do something tonight?"   
  
"No, I think I am just going to go home," I said, as I grabbed my jacket and left the lounge.   
  
**   
I walked into the apartment and took off my jacket.   
  
I kept on thinking about my conversation with Luka.   
  
_"I think he found himself,"_

_  
"I didn't know he was missing." _

  
How couldn't I see that Carter was lost? Luka saw it, and they aren't the greatest of friends. But maybe Luka could see something that I didn't.   
  
Maybe I never really knew Carter, I just had a vision of him... the safe one, the one that is kind and gentle, but I never saw that real John Carter, the one that was lost, and who had to go to Africa to find himself.   
  
Our relationship was doomed from the start. We started off okay, but it would have never really worked out.   
  
Would we have gotten together if we didn't have to be locked together for 2 weeks? Or would we have just stayed friends? 

Or whatever you called our relationship before then.  
  
The telephone rang, interrupting my thoughts. I picked up the phone and realized that it was my mother.   
  
What did she want now? Does my family need me to get them out of a mess again? How many times do I have to do this?   
  
"Hi mom," I said.   
  
"Hi Abby, how are you?"   
  
"I'm fine," I said. It's not like I was going to tell her anything about my day.   
  
"So how is Eric?" I asked, as I know that is the reason she is phoning me.   
  
"He is doing well, that is why I wanted to call you… I wanted to tell you how he is doing. He is finally coming to terms with his disease. I sighed.   
  
"Abby, I know from experience, it takes a long time to deal with it," she said.  

"I lived through it too," I replied.   
  
"Abby, Eric and I are going to be fine. We don't need you to worry about us."   
  
Does she know that I will always worry about them, wondering when is the next time I am going to get a call that I need to come to their rescue and clean up a mess they made?   
  
"You can't put your life on hold for us anymore, "she said

  
"You need to let go of us, Abby, and move on. You don't need to help us all the time anymore. You have to change. For you. And John. He's a wonderful man and he's done so much for you. You two work so great together, has he asked you to marry him again,"

  
"We broke up," I blurt out.   
  
"I'm sorry, what happened?" Maggie said, surprised and curious.   
  
"We just weren't right for each other," I said, as that is the only way I can explain the break- up to myself that makes sense to me.   
  
I was still shocked at the break – up. It wasn't your typical break- up. You don't normally break up with someone in a letter, but John and I were never your typical couple.   
  
We got together in a trauma room. That isn't your typical first date.   
  
"Abby, are you still there?" Maggie asked.   
  
"Yes. I have an early shift tomorrow and I need to go to bed. Tell Eric that I said hi, and I will call him later," I said, as I hung up the phone.   
  
A change……   
  
That is the word that I have been hearing all day. My mom thinks I need to change. Luka and Carter have gone through changes with their experience in Africa.   
  
A few months ago, I would think that people can't change, that they are who they are and there is nothing that they can do about it, but I realize that I do need a change.   
  
But what? I don't want to be just a nurse anymore. Being a nurse used to be enough for me, but not anymore.   
  
I wonder, would I be Doctor Lockhart right now if Richard had paid my med school bills? Do I want to go back to school? Is that the kind of change I am looking for, something so dramatic?   
  
  
I have the worst day of my life, getting a break- up letter from Carter, having a horrible day at work, but for the first time in a long time, I didn't go back to the one thing that I use to make me forgot everything… alcohol.   
  
Maybe I'm already changing. 


	3. Chapter 3

  
  
**Changes ****  
  
Spoilers: Shift Happens   
  
  
Author's Note: I would like to thank everybody that has reviewed, and I would like to thank Sara for editing this for me. On with the chapter.   
  
**Chapter 3 ******  
  
  
My whole life has been on hold.  I don't know if it's because of my family that I feel like if I ever got a life, that something bad is going to happen, and then they'll need me to help them.  
  
I haven't ever really had a relationship that stuck. Not with Richard, Luka or Carter. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I can't really let myself be happy. But not anymore…   
  
My life isn't going to be on hold anymore. I am going to finally take charge of my life. I guess I can thank Carter for that. If he didn't break up with me by a letter, I wouldn't have realized that I need to make a change in my life.   
  
Everyone in my life has been telling me this forever, but it took Carter leaving me for it to really sink in. He is off changing in his life, and maybe it is about time for me to do the same.   
  
**   
  
  
"You glad to be home?" I asked Luka. But I knew before he said anything that he never saw Chicago as his home.   
  
"Yes and no. I miss it. You're not in your own head all the time. You're a part of something that's in constant motion over there. The kind of break from it you get is a luxury, not something to be taken for granted," Luka said.   
  
Is that how Carter is feeling? Is that why he stayed there? I know he isn't just staying in Africa because we broke up with each other.   
  
"And that's different from County how? " I see Luka, smiling.   
  
"It's such an addiction, I guess" Luka said.   
  
Addiction…   
  
Just like Carter was addicted to drugs.   
  
**

He is addicted to the mystery, the helplessness and simplicity, the adventure of Africa.

  
  
"Yeah, I certainly hope to Carter." I said. I still wonder about him and how he is doing. I almost lost Luka because he was in Africa. I just hope Carter will be careful. I don't want to lose him. Just because we aren't together doesn't mean I will not think of him. We were friends long before he was my boyfriend.   
  
"Yeah. How are you doing with that?   
  
I didn't know whether or not  to tell Luka the truth.  It's still hard for me. It's been a week since the break-up, but I still think of Carter… But there is nothing I can do about it now. I have to get on with my life, and that is exactly what I am doing.   
  
But instead I said. "Without him, you mean? I'm fine. I'm better than fine"   
  
Was I trying to tell myself that more than Luka?   
  
It is kind of irony, me and Luka standing by the river, talking about Carter and our break- up, just like what I did with Carter when Luka and I broke up.

  
"So you're happy?"   
  
  
The only thing I could think to say to Luka was I was getting there and making decisions.   
  
Decisions about my life, but more importantly, changes in my life. Luka wanted to know what my decisions were, but I couldn't tell him or anybody just yet. I haven't even told Susan yet. I will tell everybody when the time is right.   
  
Suddenly my pager went off; I knew it was the hospital. I wanted to ignore it like Luka said, but I needed the money.   
  
Especially after the decision that I made, I will need all the money I can get.   
  
Not the same old Abby from a few months ago.   
  
I guess people can change. 

**   
  
Later that day,   
  
I walked into my apartment, back from the bank. Richard agreed to sign the papers, so as soon as I finished at his house, I went straight to the bank.   
  
I still couldn't believe that my ex- husband actually signed it. I went there hoping that he would, but I was surprised when he actually did it.   
  
I wouldn't have gone to Richard if it wasn't important. I am not the type of person that asks for help, especially not from my ex- husband, but I need that loan, and if he was the only way I could get it, then I had to do it.   
  
Sometimes you have to do stuff you don't want to to get something you want. It is the least that I deserve from him.   
  
Then I started thinking about what Kerry said to me as I sat down on the couch.   
  
_"You are our best nurse,"_   
  
But I can be so much more.   
  
When did I start to think that way? I guess it started the day that I got Carter's letter. In his own way he actually helped me. Even when he is broken up with me, he is helping me.   
  
I realized that I need to take a good long look at my life, and what I saw I didn't like. My life is a mess. I have a job that I haven't been happy with in a very long time, but for the first time in my whole life, I took a positive approach to it, and I tried to see what I could do to make it better.   
  
My life is no longer on hold anymore.   
  
  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Changes **

**Chapter 4 **

Spoilers: Out of Africa 

Doctor Lockhart 

I never thought that I would ever go back to med school. When I quit med school the first time because I didn't pay my medical tuition I told myself that I liked being a nurse, but then something changed, and now I want to do more, and becoming  a doctor  is what I was what I need to do. I started a long time ago, and now I need to finish it. 

I put on my lab coat, heading for surgery for my surgical rotation. Here it is goes... my first day back as a med student. 

Back in med school. I am really doing this. 

** 

I was sitting in the surgeon's lounge studying when Elizabeth walked in. 

"I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw your face. You are a nurse, why did you decide to go back to school?" Elizabeth questioned as she sat down to Abby. 

"It has been a decision I have been thinking about for a long time now," I said, smiling. 

"That is great, congratulations," Elizabeth said. Suddenly her pager went off. "I should go now… see you later," Elizabeth said, as she walked out of the lounge. 

** 

Later, 

Susan and I were walking down the hall. "I still can't believe that you are back in med school." Susan said smiling. "I didn't know you were thinking of going back," 

"Well I never meant to quit med school forever and it seemed like the right time to go back. I only have one year left." 

It was the right time in my life to do something positive with my life. 

"Where'd you get the money?" Susan asked. 

"Begged, borrowed, threatened my ex-husband," I said. It was the least he could do, as it was his fault I didn't finish med school because as he didn't pay the medical tuition. 

"Good for you," Susan said, smiling. I looked at Susan and she looks really happy for me. 

"As soon as I paid it up they put me right back on rotation." 

"And Corday sent you down for a consult." 

"Well, she was jammed. She figured I could handle a bowel obstruction." 

It was easy enough for me.  All my years as a nurse has given me experience, something the new med students don't have.  I guess it comes in handy that I have been a nurse for so many years.. unlike the new med students that are coming in. 

Susan then asked me if I would be doing any more nursing. I told her that I still need to do some shifts for a while. 

As that is the only way I am going to get some money. 

"Wow! You must feel great! "Susan said, smiling. 

I wasn't sure how I was going to feel when I first went back to med school, but I am feeling really good about it. 

I told Susan I was, but I was tired as well. I forgot how tiring being a med student can be. Susan told me something that got her through med school. She acted like a proud mother when I told her about med school. I thought it was sweet.

Then Sam came up to us, asking which one of us was from OR. It didn't take too much for Susan to say that I was from the OR. 

I am not a nurse anymore. I am a med student now. 

** 

I was in the surgeon's lounge when Elizabeth entered. "Elizabeth, do you want to go out for dinner?" I asked. She looked at me. "Sure, that sounds great, I just have to call my nanny and tell her that I am going to be late." 

"Okay, I will meet you in 5 minutes." 

** 

Later at the restaurant, 

"So how is Ella doing? How old is she now?" I asked. 

"She is 2 and half years old.  She is looking forward to Halloween tomorrow." 

"What is she going to be?" 

"A princess," Elizabeth said, smiling. "So what's it like being a med student again?" 

"I forgot how tiring it was," I laughed. 

"I remember when I was a med student, I don't think I got any sleep," Elizabeth laughed. "So are you still working as a nurse or just being a med student?" 

"I'm taking a few shifts as a nurse to pay my bills." 

Elizabeth laughed, "When are you ever going to get any sleep?" 

I smiled. "I don't know." 

I don't think I have had any sleep since the day I returned back to med school, but it is all going to be worth it in the end. 

"How are you doing?" I asked Elizabeth, as I know she had a bad day. 

"You mean about Dorsett?  Let's just say I think it is better that I just stay single," Elizabeth laughed. 

"I understand what you are saying. I totally agree it is better being single," I laughed. 

"Oh yeah, you have had some man troubles these past few weeks." 

I laughed. "Yeah I guess you could say that… but it's all behind me now.  I am just going to work on my rotations, work, and school.  I am not going to think about men anymore." 

Elizabeth smiled. She then looked at her watch. "I should be getting home; it is near Ella's bedtime. Thanks for dinner." 

I stood up. "I'll see you tomorrow morning." 

** 

I walked into my apartment, and saw that my answering machine was blinking. I listen to the messages; nearly everyone was from Maggie, wishing me good luck on my first day back at med school. 

I laughed. My mom always wanted me to go back to med school and become a doctor. She never understands why I would be a nurse. 

I am still in transition, I still can't believe that I am not a full- time nurse anymore, that I am a med student now. 

I picked up the phone and called Maggie, but she wasn't there. So I picked up my textbook, and started studying. 

I am really doing this, aren't I? For the first time in weeks, I am really happy about my life. I finally made a decision about my life that was positive. 

I survived my first day back as a med student. 

Author's Note: I would like to thank everybody that has reviewed this series. I don't know if I am doing a good job or not. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Changes**

**Chapter 5  
**  
**  
Spoilers: The Greater Good**

  
As I was walked out of the surgery, after sewing up the patient, I couldn't stop thinking about the conversation I had with Elizabeth about this patient.  
  
"I've been paging you" Elizabeth said, as she walked up to me. "I was with this patient," I said.   
  
"So I hear. You convinced the family to donate his organs? "Elizabeth asked. I nodded.   
  
"Spending this much time with a patient is a luxury you don't usually have." Elizabeth said.   
  
But how do you know how much time to spend on one patient? Ten minutes, twenty minutes, each patient is different, so shouldn't you help them as much as you think they need it?

  
"Well I just felt like his wife needed me."   
  
Sometimes a wife just needs a little help dealing with the loss of her husband.   
  


Being a doctor isn't easy.   
  
  
"You already do this well Abby. Sometimes being a doctor is about distancing yourself from your patient."   
  
  
Confidence   
  
  
When I return back to med school, I didn't realize how different it was going to be from the last time I was a med student. Being a nurse for so long, I guess I lost my confidence of being a doctor.   
  
I second guess myself when I am doing my surgical consult, when Romano walks into the room, and rants on me about being a med student, I wonder if I really know what I am doing or I just think I do. When I was a nurse, I always knew what to do, and how to do it, but with being a med student, it is so different, I have to learn everything again. 

  
But I guess it will take awhile before I get into the habit of being a med student instead of a nurse.   
  
  
"You don't have to stay."   
  
"I'd like to stick around if that's okay"  
  
  
Suddenly I heard someone call my name, interrupting my thoughts, I turned around, and saw that it was the wife of the guy that died.   
  
"I just want to thank you."   
  
I went up to her. "But I didn't do anything,"   
  
"Yes, you did. You helped me decide that giving his organs to other patients would be want he wanted. It was really hard for me to do; it was like he was really gone. But when you explained to me what each of his organs would do to help a patient, I knew that would be what he wanted. You are a great doctor." 

  
"I'm a med student." I said.   
  
"Well, you are going to make a great doctor then," she said, as she walked away.   
  
  
Doctor   
  
It is still hard to see myself as a doctor… or becoming one. I still see myself as a nurse. I turned around, and I saw Sam working with Pratt. It is still pretty weird that Sam is "the nurse" now in ER, not me. 

When I come down for a surgical consult, I tend to forget that I'm there as a med student, not a nurse. What did I get myself into? Should I have gone back to med school, or did I make a big mistake?   
  
Sam came up to me "Are you going home now? Because I have a patient that needs a surgical consult."   
  
"Sure," I said. "I can check it out. I'll tell Corday I am doing that."   
  
I went and checked out the patient when I heard Romano walking into the room. "Abby, the med student, still working. What are you doing today, are you fixing the monitor again?"   
  
Romano ranting again. All day he has been going on about me being a med student.   
  
What did I do to make him like that? But that is Romano for you, making everybody else's lives miserable.   
  
But I am not going to let him upset me. I am going to do my job.   
  
My job as a medical student, not as a nurse.   
  
I spend more time with the patient then I should. Today I helped a spouse deal with the loss of her loved one, and realized that even though he is gone he can help other people with his organs. But I can't just explain that in two seconds, and then leave. I have to explain everything to her. I might be in there for half an hour, but isn't being a doctor about helping people?   
  
It's not easy being a doctor, but it is all worth it in the end.


	6. Chapter 6

**Changes**

**Spoilers: Death and Taxes**

  
**Chapter  6**

  
"You never compliment me like that." I said to Susan, as she compliments Neela on her work. Susan looked at me. "What?" She doesn't understand what I am talking about.   
  
"Nice assessment." That is what she said to Neela, but she didn't say anything to me about my work.   
  
"Yes I do," Susan said.   
  
I looked at her. "No, you don't." I have been a med student for a few weeks now, and I haven't heard Susan tell me good job on my work once. Susan then looked at me. "I don't?" Susan said, quietly.   
  
"No."   
  
"I give you my time," Susan said.   
  
Does she think I don't want compliments on my work? Just because I was an ER nurse for years doesn't mean that I don't want attending to tell me that I am doing a good job. The same thing happened with Luka. He was asking other med students about a patient, but he didn't ask me about anything.   
  
I don't want to be different.   
  
I want to be just like all the other med students.   
  
**   
  
  
How could I have missed that head injury doing the exam? I should have done a CT; I shouldn't have let the child go. I have worked in the ER for years, I should know that if a child is in an accident, and not restrained, that it should have a CT. Maybe I am not going to be a good doctor. Suddenly I heard Susan say hi.   
  
"What the CT show?" I asked. I just hope my mistake didn't kill the baby. Susan then told me all about the fracture, and that they took the baby to OR.   
  
"How could I miss an inter-cranial bleed?"   
  
"It happens," Susan said. I know that Susan was just saying that to make me feel better.   
  
"He seemed like a perfectly healthy baby. "   
  
How could this have happened?   
  
Susan said that I had a attending there, but it is not Luka's fault. If I can't trust my   
clinical skills, then there is not really use to me being here, as the book stuff isn't going well either.   
  
Why did I think I could become a doctor?   
  
Susan offered to help me figure out what I did wrong. It was the only thing that I could do to see what I did wrong.   
  
  
**   
  
It wasn't my fault. All I could think about when the baby came back into the ER was that I made a mistake. How unsure I am about myself. How can I be a good doctor, if I judge myself when something goes wrong?   
  
Nothing is going right with the med school, the book stuff isn't going well, and it doesn't look like the other stuff is either.   
  
Why did I think that just because I was a nurse that I could be a doctor? Suddenly I heard my name. I turned around and saw Neela standing in front of me.   
  
I saw her coming towards me, and I needed to ask her a question how to do something as she is much better at the academics than me. She told me how to do it. She made it seem so simple.   
  
I nodded. "Thanks." I started to walked away, but then I turned around. "Have a good night!"   
  
I heard her as she started to walk after me. "Abby, would you be interested in studying together. "   
  
  
I laughed. "Sorry?" I wasn't sure if she was really asking me or not.   
  
"I'm good with the academic stuff you know. But you're good with everything else. Maybe we could help each other." Neela said.   
  
I nodded. "Okay," I said. Then I turned and walked away from Neela.   
  
I never really saw myself as someone who studies with someone.   
  
I always like dealing with stuff on my own. Maybe it is time I learn to get help.   
  
  
  
**   
  
As I walked outside, I saw Susan sitting on the bench, looking pretty upset. "Susan," I said in a whisper.   
  
She looked up. "Hey." It looked like she had been crying.   
  
"Are you okay?" I asked, as I sat down next to her.   
  
"I lost a patient today." I looked up at her confused.   
  
"Do you mean that old man I heard took a liking to you," I questioned. I heard from the gossip mill that Susan was looking out for him, and was worried about how he was dealing with his illness.   
  
  
Susan smiled. "I guess he did like me. I know that he was suicidal, but I didn't do anything about it. I knew he was going to kill himself before, but I thought he was starting to be okay."   
  
"Susan, from what I heard, you did everything that you could as a doctor. You can't stop someone if they want to do that. Was he the one that you were going out with for dinner?"   
  
"He was, but I just wish that I could have helped him more," Susan replied.   
  
"There is only so much a doctor can do."   
  
Susan laughed. "This coming from a 4 year med student. Do you know what you are getting yourself into?"   
  
I laughed. "Some days I don't think I can make it as a med student, but then there are other days when I know that I am doing exactly what I want,"   
  
"Spoken like a true doctor."   
  
A doctor.   
  
It is going to take some effort, but I can do it.   
  
Susan stood up. "Do you need a ride?"   
  
I shake my head. "No, I'm fine; I'll see you tomorrow."   
  
**   
  
I walked into my apartment, taking my jacket off and putting my keys on the table. I locked the door and sighed. Another long day.   
  
I walked into the kitchen and put a kettle on the stove for tea. I sat down in the chair and closed my eyes. I opened them, and my glance caught the calendar hanging on the wall. It has almost been one month. One month since I decided to change my life and go back into med school. One crazy month.   
  
At work people take my being a med student almost, I don't know, for granted? Like this is a phase I'm going through or something. Or like it's just Abby all dressed up in a lab coat. They don't realize, fully at least, that I'm going to be a doctor. Even Susan doesn't really treat me like a med student, just like a nurse only doing different things. And I don't like to be treated different than everyone else. Just because you've known me longer doesn't mean you treat me different than the med students that float in and out of here. I'm the same as them when I'm in that lab coat. It's when I'm a nurse that I'm different and back to old Abby again. And maybe that's why they treat me different, because I keep going back and forth between these two people, and they don't want to differentiate between the two, so it's just easier to keep treating me like they've treated me for almost 4 years. I guess that must be why.   
  
A whistle breaks me from my thoughts. I turn the kettle off and pour myself a glass of hot water, soaking my tea bag in the cup. I watch as the tea slowly dissolves into the water until it becomes one with it. I slowly sip it and feel my body begin to relax as the hot liquid streams through my body and warms it. I pull my ever present stack of medical books closer to me and reluctantly open them, beginning to study. The long day melts into the long night.


	7. Chapter 7

  
**Changes **  
  
Spoilers: Freefall   
  
**Chapter 7**   
  
Chaos   
  
 This isn't the first time that there has been chaos in the hospital. I can remember a few times…   
  
Neela told me that they got the ultrasound, but that there was no one available to help Chuck.   
  
"Yeah, he needs an intubation," I said. Both of them looked at me. I was terrified to do it but I knew that Chuck needed it, or he was going to die. Could I do it? Did I have enough skills to do it? As I was putting the tube down his throat, there were so many thoughts going through my mind. What if I do it wrong or something goes wrong? I was never this unsure when I was a nurse.   
  
When I was putting the tube down his throat, I was so scared. I'd seen it done millions of times before, but that was when other doctors were doing this. Only me, Neela and Lester were here, and I knew that I needed to do it. Chuck needed medical attention right now. He couldn't wait for Susan or Luka.   
  
When I finally got the tube down his throat, I felt great that I did it. It was scary, but sometimes as a doctor you have to know when to take a risk.  
**   
  
I was at the admitting desk when a nurse showed me a picture and I heard them talking about Carter.   
  
"How's he doing?"   
  
"I don't know," I said. I haven't spoke to him since the day he left for Africa.   
  
Carter… I haven't heard that name for a while.   
  
I think about him sometimes, but I am so busy with work and school that I don't really have time to think about anything else.   
  
I wonder what he is doing on Thanksgiving. When I saw Susan with Chuck, worrying that he wasn't going to be okay, I thought about Carter, wondering if he was okay in Africa.   
  
But it doesn't matter anymore. I'm not his girlfriend. I just hope he is happy in Africa.   
  
**   
  
I was on my way out when I heard Susan call my name. I turned around. "How's Chuck?" I asked.   
  
She smiled. "He is out of surgery, and I am on my way to see him right now. Thank you again, Abby. As a doctor, I know you shouldn't have done that without an attending there, but as a friend, I think you did a great job."   
  
I smiled. "Thanks, I had to make a quick decision."   
  
"That is what being a good doctor is about: knowing when to make a quick decision," Susan said.   
  
I smiled. "Well, I better go see Chuck now," Susan said. "Are you off now?"   
  
"Yeah just finished my nursing shift. I remember why I don't work as a med student and a nurse on the same day now."   
  
"Tired?" Susan laughed. I nodded.   
  
"See you tomorrow," she said.   
  
  
**   
  
As I was walked outside, I saw that Neela was waiting outside. "Hey. What are you still doing here?" I asked, as I walked up to her.   
  
She told me that she was waiting on labs for a patient, and she took a break while it was slow.  
  
"Today was amazing. I've never seen anything like it. I didn't think we could handle it but we did. We did really well. We saved lives. It was like a roller coaster. I've always hated roller coasters, but I sort of can't wait for the next ride." Neela said, still wired up from the excitement of the day.   
  
"Just as long as it's not in the next twelve hours....You want any coffee? " I asked.   
  
"Oh, I'm not in the club."   
  
"I got an extra," I said, as I handed her a coffee.   
  
"Thanks," Neela said with a whisper. She paused. "You did a great job working on Chuck. How did you know you could do it?" 

  
"I didn't. I just know I had to do something."   
  
"Neela, we need you back in here," Pratt shouted.   
  
"I'll see you tomorrow," Neela said. I was about to walk away from her when I turned around. 

"Is that offer still available? To study with you?" or "I'd like to   
  
Neela nodded, then walked back inside. I turned back and looked at the ER. 'What a day,' I muttered to myself as I walked away from the hospital."  
  
**   
As I put my keys into the door, I thought about the day's events. The day started out okay... I messed up my test with the dummy, but that was nothing compared to what the day was going to bring us.   
  
A helicopter crashing into the ambulance bay, how often does that happen?   
  
You just never know what your day is going to bring when you work at hospital.   
  
I took my jacket off and walked into the kitchen, looking into the refrigerator to see if I had anything to eat for Thanksgiving, but all there was were some ham and potatoes. I guess that is my thanksgiving dinner, I laughed to myself, as I started to fix my meal.   
  
 What a way to spend Thanksgiving…at work.   
  
After I finished eating my dinner, I went into the living room to and collapsed on the couch. I flipped on the TV. Tonight, I wasn't going to study. I was too exhausted to do anything. I wouldn't get anything productive done.   
  
At the end of my night I plodded into my room and fell down on my bed. I had had one very long day, in more ways than one. As I laid my head on my pillow and started to drift off to sleep, I wondered what tomorrow might bring. Because in the ER, you never know.   
  
   
  
To be continued!!


	8. Chapter 8

**Changes **  
  
Spoilers: "Missing"   
  
**Chapter 8 **  
  
  
How can you juggle two things in your life?   
  
Being a nurse and a med student at the same time. Why did I think I could do it?   
  
It is not easy being both. As I was working on the test, I didn't realize how hard it was going to be. Both Lester and Neela finished way before me.   
  
Then Kerry came barging in and told me that my nursing shift had already started.  'How I am suppose to get through med school if I am juggling two jobs that constantly overlap and interfere with each other?

   
  
 What was I thinking when I decided to go back to school?   
  
**   
I walked into the room where the Jane Doe was. How could someone not report this child missing? When the parents of the missing child came in, I thought great we'd found the parents of the child, but no it wasn't their daughter. I just wish we could find her parents. How could someone not report their child missing?   
  
Ken then walked into the room and told me that he was going to keep on looking and try and find the girl's parents. But how could we do that when we don't even know her name?   
  
 Days like these make me wonder why I want to become a doctor. If we can't help a missing child find her family, how are we supposed to help people who are injured and dying? I touched her face. "I'm sorry," I said with a whisper. 

  
"I've had enough. Do you want to go get a drink with Gallant?" I heard Neela ask me. I turned around.   
  
"No, I thought I'd hang around and make sure she makes it up to the PICU."   
  
"Can't a nurse do that?" Neela said.   
  
"I'm a nurse."   
  
"You're a med student." Neela said, as she walked out of the room.   
  
I never realized how hard it was going for me to see myself a med student not as a nurse.   
  
But that is what I am...a med student, and I need to start to see myself like that.   
  
  
  
  
**   
  
Neela and I ordered our drinks. I decided to get a cola. It was hard for me to not have a drink, but I was making a change in my life, and I wasn't going to go drink. 

  
I looked at Neela and I could see that she was clearly drunk. She started talking about her family, and I could see that she was clearly upset about the phone call she had got from them earlier.   
  
I know how that can be. I still wonder if I am going to get that call from Maggie or Eric. 

But I haven't heard from them for weeks.   
  
"They are going to name my niece. They don't even need me there. Do you have any nieces or nephews?"   
  
I shake my head. "No, my brother's single."   
  
"Where is he?" Neela asked.   
  
"Minnesota."   
  
"Do you see him much?"   
  
"Not now no. I'm trying to let him get his stuff together while I get my stuff together."   
  
It is so hard to let him to do it himself. He's my little brother, and I'm supposed to be there for him, but I realize that I have to get my life in order first.   
  
"Me too. I'm trying to get my stuff together too. Let's all of us get our stuff together…Do you miss them though, your family?"   
  
"Sure," I said. When they are on their meds that is.   
  
I then asked Neela if she ever did grade my test, and she gave me the piece of paper and I saw that I got 52. I knew that did badly, but I didn't think this bad.   
  
Med school is harder than I thought it was going to be.   
  
**   
Later,   
  
I waved goodbye to Pratt, Valerie, and Gallant.   
  
"Do you have a cigarette?" Neela asked me. I said no. I haven't wanted to smoke since I returned back to med school.   
  
"I really don't drink this much normally. I've just gone through a lot today. Bad day, you know " Neela said.   
  
I smiled. "I know. It's not easy being a med student, is it?"   
  
Neela laughed. "At least I don't work two jobs. Why did you do it?"   
  
"Money,' I said. But there was another reason that I still work as a nurse. I don't want to give it all up yet and put myself out there without something to fall back on. I've been a nurse for over three years now, and I don't want to just stop suddenly. I need to work myself out of it and make sure this whole doctor thing is really going to happen before I only work as a med student or a doctor.  
  
  
"I guess we should be leaving now," I said as I stood up. "I'll call a cab for you."   
  
"I guess you're right," Neela said. "Sorry I ruined the night for everybody… saying all that about how I don't know who I am."   
  
"It's fine," I laughed as we walked out of the bar. I waited until the cab showed up. "Are you coming in with me?" she said as she got into the cab.   
  
"No, I think I am going to take the El."   
  
"Are you sure? There is more than enough room in here for you," Neela said.   
  
"I'm fine."   
  
"Okay. See you later then."   
  
As the cab left the bar, I started walking toward the El. I couldn't stop thinking about what Neela said.   
  
Do you ever feel like you don't know who the hell you are?   
  
I used to feel that way a few months ago, when I was just a nurse and I hated my job. But now that I have been in med school for a while, I am really starting to feeling that I know who I am.   
  
I'm a med student.   
  
To be continued.


	9. Chapter 9

**Changes ****  
  
  
  
Spoilers: Makemba    
  
Author's Note: This is a little different than my other chapters, as we only saw Abby for a few seconds, so this chapter is going to be about her Christmas Eve. I hope everybody like it, and please review.   
  
**  
Chapter 9**   
  
Christmas Eve. It's suppose to be a happy time, the day before Christmas, but I can tell by the way that my day has started that it is going to far from it. I walked into the ER, already wet, and then I saw a puking Santa. Oh what a fun Christmas Eve this will be.   
  
I walked to the admitting desk where Frank told me that Carter had sent presents for everyone. He then handed me my gift. I wasn't sure if I wanted to open it. Carter and I have been over for a while now, and I try not to think about it. I don't want to think about it. There's nothing I can do right now.   
  
  
As I opened the gift, I didn't know what to do about it. Do I keep it or do I forget about it? It has been 7 months since I talked to Carter, and then I get a gift from him. But everybody else did as well. It's like we never had a relationship, that I am just a old friend of his.   
  
I put the gift on the counter, and then I looked at it one more time before I decided to just leave it there. I didn't need it. I turned around to Luka and told him that I was going to change my socks and shoes.   
  
  
**   
  
I walked into the lounge, exhausted from work. "I'm so glad this day is over. If I have one more person throw up on me, I'm going to scream."   
  
Susan, who was sitting on the couch, laughed. "Isn't Christmas Eve always like that?"   
  
I laughed. "I guess," I went to my locker, and grabbed my jacket and bag. "Are you going home now?" Susan asked.   
  
I nodded.   
  
"Got big plans for tonight?" Susan asked, as she stood up. I watched her as she went to her locker, and put her lab coat.   
  
"No...just me and my TV,"   
  
"Are you seeing Eric and your mom for Christmas?"   
  
"No, not this year, they are going to spend Christmas together."   
  
Which I think is a great idea. I still need to get my life in order before I try to spend Christmas with Eric and Maggie. I don't need a lot of drama in my life right now.   
  
Susan's pager went off. "I should go. I don't work tomorrow, so have a Merry Christmas, Abby."   
  
I smiled. "You too."   
  
Susan then walked out of the lounge. I grabbed my jacket, and headed outside in the show.   
  
**   
A few hours later,   
  
  
There was a knock at the door, I stood up, and opened the door. "Susan… what are you doing?" I asked, as I let her into the apartment.   
  
"Well I thought since we were both alone on Christmas Eve, why don't I come over and see you. You don't mind do you?" Susan asked.   
  
I laughed. "Of course, I was watching a movie on TV,"   
  
"Which movie?"   
  
"A Christmas Carol."   
  
Susan smiled. "That is my favorite."   
  
"I'll make us some popcorn," I said as I walked to the kitchen. "So why aren't you spending Christmas Eve with Chuck?"   
  
Susan walked up to me. "He is spending some time with his family. I'm actually glad that we aren't spending Christmas together. He wanted me to come with him, but that is just too serious for me right now."   
  
I smiled. "I guess you aren't sure about you and Chuck then?"   
  
"I don't know…our relationship was just something fun, and I'm not sure if I wanted it to be more than that. I heard that you got a present from Carter. How are you doing about that?"   
  
I walked to the living room, and sat down on the couch, and Susan followed me. "It was nothing… it was just a box. Carter sent one present to everybody. It was nothing special. Come on, let's watch the movie," I replied.   
  
**   
A few hours later,   
  
"Well I should be going home now, have a Merry Christmas. Are you working tomorrow?"   
  
I nodded. "Just a few hours."   
  
"Have fun," Susan laughed, as she got her jacket and left the apartment.   
  
I looked at my textbook on my kitchen table, but I didn't feel like studying tonight. I looked at my watch, and saw that it was midnight. Christmas Day already.   
  
"Merry Christmas, Abby Lockhart," I said out loud to myself. Then I went into my bedroom, and leaned my head against the headboard, sighing. I've only had a couple really good Christmases in my whole life, and this year was definitely not one of them. Work was awful, and then I got that present from Carter…and I have no idea what it means. I don't want to think about us right now though, so I laid my head down on my pillow and slowly drifted off to sleep.  
  
To be continued.   
  
**_Author's Note: _******_  
  
Special Thanks:   
  
Sara: Thanks for all your help with the story, you are the best!!!   
  
Kenziegal and Sunni: Your encouragement and reviews means a lot to me.. coming from two of the best post episode writers.   
  
Also to Nette and tydavislover, thanks for your lovely reviews, and always reviewing every chapter, thanks.   
  
To everybody else that has review.. thank you a lot._**

****

I hope everybody has a great Christmas; I'll be back with more post episodes when there are new episodes in January.


	10. Chapter 10

**  
Changes**   
  
  
Spoilers: Touch and Go 

  
  
**Chapter 10****  
  
Carter's back   
  
I told myself that I was over him. That I was getting on with my life. I am happy, I have gone back to med school, and am getting my life together. But when I heard that Carter was coming back, everything that I told myself I wouldn't feel was coming back to me.   
  
I was standing by the desk when I turned around, and I saw him, standing not that far away from me.   
  
But he wasn't alone.   
  
**   
I looked at him, and the woman that he was with, and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Did I want to go up to him and be friendly or just forget that I even saw him? I told myself I wasn't going to go see him, but then I decided it would be for the best to just go and talk to him.   
  
"Hi," I said.   
  
"Hey, how are you," Carter asked as he hugged me.  We broke apart.  "I'm good," I said. I then shook hands with her. "I'm Abby."   
  
"Kem. Good to meet you," she said.   
  
So Carter decided to bring his girlfriend that I guess he met in Africa.   
  
I then said welcome back to Carter. It was so strange to see him again.   
  
"How've you been?" Carter asked. I was surprised that he even asked.   
  
"Good. I'm back in med school." I knew that Carter would want to know about that. Then I asked about the picture that was in Carter's hand. I wondered what it was"  
  
"What's this?"   
  
When he told me that it was an ultrasound, I was in shock. What, we have been broken up for about six months, and he already got someone pregnant? What did he do, break up with me in the letter and get together with this person in the same day.**

  
"Wow... Wow. Congratulations," I said as I held the ultrasound. I looked at Carter. Did he have to bring his pregnant girlfriend here? This isn't the only hospital in Chicago.   
  
I knew it was going to be awkward when I first saw Carter again, but I never thought that I was going to see him with his girlfriend. Who was pregnant. With his child.   
  
  
Luka then walked up to Carter and Kem and gave her a hug. They talked for a few minutes, and then Carter looked at me, like he realized how uncomfortable it was for me. "Uh, I should probably get back to work. I'll walk you out," Carter said, as he and Kem walked away.   
  
Luka looked at me. "They got together after the holiday. You okay?"   
  
I didn't really know to say; I wasn't sure myself how I was feeling. "Yeah. I'm okay…What'd he knock her up the minute he got there?" I said. Luka was silent. Finally Luka and I just looked and said a few words to each other, and then walked our separate ways.   
  
  
I was walking down the hall when I saw Chuny coming towards me. "I'm going to get some rest in the on call room,"

  
Chuny looked at me, and smiled. "Okay." I walked into the room, and lay down on the bed; I couldn't stop thinking about everything that happened. What with Carter returning and then not being able to go home because of Weaver's mistake.   
  
Today is definitely a bad day.   
  
  
  
**   
  
After the trauma and everybody left, there was only Carter and I left in the room. It was silent, each of us not knowing what to say to each other.   
  
"I'm glad that you went back," Carter said. I looked at him. Even though Carter and I aren't together anymore, I knew that he would be happy for me that I went back to med school.   
  
"To med school? Me too." I said. I wanted to tell him that his "Dear John" letter helped me realize that I wanted to go back to med school, but I decided against it.   
  
"You never should have left."   
  
"Well…timing is everything right?" I said. Just like our relationship, we only got together because the timing was right. If we hadn't gotten stuck together in that room, I don't know if we would ever have ever gotten together.   
  
Carter chuckled.  
   
"What?" I asked Carter. What was he trying to say? Was he laughing about our relationship, all the bad timing we've had.  
  
"Nothing," he said, shaking his head, but I could see that he wanted to say something more.

 "What?"   
  
"You seem happy."   
  
I am happy. I am back at med school and working on my career. My life is finally working out.   
  
"Right back at ya," I said. He did seem happy. He has a girlfriend and a baby on the way. He has everything that he wanted.   
  
Carter then came up to me. "So we're okay?" I sighed for a moment; I didn't know what to say. He just returned from Africa with some big surprises, and I'm still trying to come to terms with everything. But we have to work with each other, and we have to at least be friendly with each other. We were friends once. 

  
"We 're okay."   
  
"Good, cause Kem and I were going to get some dinner later on, I wanted to know if you wanted to tag along."   
  
I was shocked at what Carter said. Was he joking or did he really just invite his ex- girlfriend to go out for dinner with his new girlfriend?

  
I laughed. "Ha. Well, not that okay,"   
  
"See ya tomorrow," Carter said, as he walked out of the room. I watched him as he left, and then my eyes continued to follow him down the hall. 

Are we ever going to be that okay? Are Carter and I going to be friends again, or will he just be another co- worker to me? I sighed as I walked out of the room, following the same path he just took.   
  
  
**   
Later that night,   
  
As I was walking home, I came across a liquor store. Part of me wanted to take a drink, and forgot about everything that happened, like I have so often in the past. But I am stronger now. I don't need to drink.   
  
I picked up my cell phone and dialed a number. "Hello," said a voice on the other end.   
  
"Hi, Susan, I know you are sick, but I just wanted to call and say hi." I don't even know really why I called Susan to begin with.   
  
"Are you okay?" Susan asked, concerned.   
  
"Carter came back today," I blurted out. Susan went silent for a moment. "How was it? How long before you and Carter are going to get back together?" 

  
I laughed at Susan's questions. "He wasn't alone. He brought a woman with him from Africa."   
  
"Oh," Susan replied.   
  
"But that isn't the best part, Susan. Carter is going to be a father."   
  
"What?" Susan said, shocked. "He been gone for what…7 months, and he's already gotten a woman pregnant? I'm so sorry."   
  
"Susan, I'm fine. It was a shock at first to find out that Carter was back, and then to find out that he is going to be a father.   
  
"But I am fine now. I am not going to get upset. Carter seems to be happy. I'm going to be happy for him. And now I am going to work on finishing my med school."

  
"I should let you go," I said. "Hope you feel better soon." 

Susan laughed. "I'm not that sick."   
  
"Bye, see you later," I said.   
  
"Bye," Susan said. I hung up the phone and put it back into my bag.   
  
I was going to be okay.  
  
To be continued!!!   
  
  



	11. Chapter 11

  
  
**Changes ****  
  
**Chapter 11**   
  
Spoilers: NICU   
  
  
 The NICU is a whole different world from the ER  
  
Jake is like my little patient. From the day that I first started my NICU rotation, he has been here. It is so hard to see someone so small fighting for their life.   
  
I looked up and saw that Carter was with Jake and the mom, and I walked up to them.   
  
"I'm here to check on Jacob. He looks great," Carter said, trying to explain why he was here. **

  
"His suck is still weak, but Abby tells me to keep on trying," the mom said.   
  
"He'll get there."   
  
That is the only thing I can tell them. Just to just keep on trying. There is nothing more you can tell the parents.   
  
I looked at Carter, who was starting to make faces at Jake. He is so great with kids; he is going to be a great father. It is still so hard to think that he is going to be a father, but I am happy for him.   
  
The mom then asked a question about Jake's health, and Carter said that it was for a question for cardiology, but since I have been here for I realized that the parents are so scared for their child that just want to know everything that could happen.   
  
I replied. "The area where the aorta was repaired gets blocked with scarring but usually they can take care of it in the CathLab and avoid another surgery."   
  
The mom then thanked me, but it wasn't like I did much. I explained about the surgery, but I guess that is all they want to know sometimes.   
  
I told her that I had to get back to work, but I would come back later. I walked into the drug lockup and Carter followed me in there. I didn't realize that he was still there. I thought after seeing Jake he would go back to the ER.   
  
"Looks like you are doing well in here," Carter said.   
  
"Right," I said. I wasn't sure if I was doing well in my rotation or not. It doesn't seem like the attending liked me very much.   
  
After I finished helping the nurse, I turned around and saw Carter was still there; he waited to talk to me. Maybe we can be friends again.   
  
"The parents love you, nurses wouldn't give you the time of day if they didn't think that you knew what you were doing," Carter replied.   
  
I smiled.   
  
I guess the parents do like me. Suddenly I started to think of Jake, and what that mom has been though so far.   
  
"Yeah. Tell that to my attending, you should see me on rounds."   
  
It was like old times when Carter and I used to talk to each other about anything and everything. But it wasn't like old times anymore. I'm in med school, and he is going to be a father.   
  
He then started to talk about him and Kem looking at labor and delivery suites. I looked up at him and smiled. "You are gonna to be a dad."   
  
"Yeah," Carter said.   
  
"How's it feel?" As I was looking at him, I was trying to see if he was excited about it or scared, but I couldn't tell. I used to be able to read his looks, and everything, but not anymore. We're both so different now from the people we used to be.

  
  
"Scary. Especially in this room. You start to think about all the things that could go wrong. All the mistakes you can make," Carter replied.   
  
"You are going to be a great father," I said. There was no doubt about that. I didn't even need to think about that. I know he is going to be a great father to his child.   
  
"Hey Abby."   
  
I turned around.   
  
"You're going to be a great doctor."   
  
I looked at him and smiled, then continued to get ready for the delivery. Having Carter say that to me means so much. 

  
I am starting to believe that myself, that I am going to be a great doctor.   
  
  
**   
Right before I did the intubation, I looked at the parents. How hard this must be for them to see their son in this condition again. Right when they thought he was getting better. "I see the cord. Tube," I said. As the parents looked at me, I took my stethoscope and checked his heart rate. He was stable.   
  
  
"I don't know if I can take another round of this," the mom said. She looked so exhausted.   
  
"Take a seat," I said.   
  
I didn't know what to say. There wasn't much I could say.   
  
"We are trying our best to help your son."   
  
"I know you are, Abby."   
  
"I'll be back in a while." As I was walking away, I turned around and looked at the parents with Jake. I don't know how much longer they could take it.   
  
  
**   
Later that day,   
  
"Are you finished for the day?" I asked Neela. Neela nodded. "Let's go," I said as we left the NICU.   
  
"So how is Jake doing?" Neela asked as we got on the elevator.   
  
"Not good."   
  
"I'm sorry, Abby.  I know that you feel attached to him?"

  
"I wouldn't say I'm attached, but I guess he is my special patient," I said, as we got out of the elevator and headed out of the hospital.   
  
"I'll see you tomorrow, "I said.   
  
  
  
**   
  
As Elizabeth and I were wheeling Jake to surgery, I saw his family burst out of the elevator. Thinking that this may be one of the last times they may get to see him, I asked her to wait for the family to come over. She didn't want to wait, since they needed to get him to surgery right now, but I thought that his big sister deserved to see her baby brother, and since I didn't know what was going to happen in surgery, I knew that if she didn't now, she might never really have a chance.   
  
I knelt down beside the little girl. "Hey. Would you like to see your little brother up close?"   
  
The little girl nodded.   
  
"Abby. " Elizabeth said. I looked up at Elizabeth. "Kids aren't allowed in the NICU," I tried to explain. "Just five seconds."   
  
She stayed silent.   
  
"Here he is," I told the little girl.   
  
"Can he hear me?"   
  
"Yes he can." The little girl was going to touch him, but then she looked up at me. I could see that she was scared to touch her brother, like she was afraid she would break him.   
  
"It's okay, you won't hurt him," I reassured her.   
  
She was quiet for a while,  and then spoke to him.   
  
"I'm Miranda, your big sister."   
  
I remained kneeling next to her and I watched as her little fingers wrapped around his even littler ones. I was so glad that I had made Elizabeth stop, even if the outcome of this surgery was successful.   
  
After the little girl had seen her brother, Elizabeth and I wheeled Jake to surgery. I just hope and pray that this was going to work out, and Jake is going to make it through the surgery okay.   
  
  
**   
  
Jake's gone. 

  
When Elizabeth told me they couldn't repair the bowel, I couldn't believe it. I knew it could happen, but it was still really hard. When you are a doctor, you are supposed to be saving people, especially the little ones. I picked up Jake, wrapped him in a blanket, and walked with him into the waiting room where the family was waiting to spend their last minutes with Jake. I put Jake in the mom's arms and started to walk away, when I heard my name. I turned around.   
  
"Thank you, Abby, for trying to help my son," the mom said in no more than a whisper.   
  
I nodded and walked out of the room, leaving the family to say goodbye.   
  
  
**   
My last day in my NICU rotation…   
  
Kerry had just given me a bottle of cider to celebrate.  
  
I decided to go and look for Neela when suddenly I bumped into someone. "Sorry." I looked up and saw that it was Carter.   
  
"I had a break so I thought I would come and see how Jake is doing." When Carter said Jake's name, I suddenly realized that Carter didn't know about Jake's death. I looked up at him, and said softly. "Why don't we go somewhere else"   
  
I pressed the alarm to get us out of the room. "Let's sit down?" I said. We sat.   
  
"John, Jake didn't make it. He went into surgery so they could repair the bowel, but they couldn't fix it."   
  
Carter looked up at me with this shocked look on his face, but I think his reaction has more to do with his and Kem's baby than Jake.   
  
"Oh. When I came to see Jake that time, he seemed like he was getting better, but I guess this what happens," Carter said quietly.   
  
Then Carter suddenly went silent; I wondered what he was thinking about. Then I thought about what he told me when we talked in the drug lockup.   
  
_Scary.__ Especially in this room. You start to think about all the things that could go wrong. All the mistakes you can make. _  
  
He is so scared that something could go wrong with his baby, and here I am telling him that something did go wrong with a baby. But that doesn't mean that is going to happen with his child.   
  
"John, I know what you are thinking, that if something like this could happen to Jake, it could just as easily happen to your baby. But that's not going to be the case. Yes sometime things go really wrong, but something things go just right. Look at Kerry's baby, Henry. He was in the NICU for a couple of days, but now he is going home with Sandy and Kerry," I said. I hoped I helped him understand a little better that things were probably going to go alright with his baby.   
  
 Carter looked at me. " Thank you, Abby."  
  
I noticed that Carter was eying the bottle that was in my hand. "It's cider. I haven't had a drink for months," I told Carter.   
  
"You don't have to tell me, it is none of my business."   
  
"I know I don't, but I want to."   
  
Suddenly Carter's pager went off. Carter stood up. "I should get back downstairs to the ER, thanks for telling me about Jake. So are you finished with your NICU rotation?"   
  
I nodded.   
  
"I'll see you back in the ER tomorrow."   
  
I smiled. "Yeah, I'll see you then."   
  
  
**   
Up at the roof,   
  
"We are finally finished with our NICU rotation, and we can go back to ER. I kind of miss it down there," Neela laughed.   
  
"Same here."   
  
"Are you going to try one of the cigars?" Neela asked me.   
  
"No, they are disgusting. Are you?"   
  
"Sure, I don't see why not." Neela said. She took a puff of the cigar and coughed.   
  
"This is disgusting!"   
  
"I told you."   
  
"Why are cigars associated with babies? This stinky thing really has no place in a nursery."   
  
"It's Froudian. Something about men wanting to have sex with your mother." I said laughing.   
  
"Thank you," Neela said. I laughed again.   
  
Neela asked why we were drinking cider instead of champagne, and I told her that Kerry knew that I don't drink. I asked if she was still thinking about going in neo natology, but she said no. Neela said she thought that I should go into neo natology, but I could never do it. I got attached to Jake and look at what happened. I could get attached to all the babies there… and watch them all die.   
  
A little while later,   
  
"I guess it is time for us to go," Neela said.   
  
"Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow," I said, as Neela walked away. I sat down on the chair that was there, and thought about my whole experience in the NICU, it's something that has changed me forever.

  
  
  



	12. Chapter 12

**Changes **  
  
Spoilers: Get Carter   
  
**  
Chapter 12**   
  
"I'm pregnant," Susan told Kerry and me. Both Kerry and I looked at each other surprised at Susan's news, when suddenly Susan threw up on the floor.   
  
"Clean up on aisle five," I laughed. Kerry then walked away from me, and I decided to go and check up on Susan to see how she was.   
  
I walked out of the ER and saw Susan sitting on the bench. "Hey," I said. Susan looked up at me. "Hi."  
  
I sat down next to Susan. "How are you feeling now?"   
  
Susan laughed. "I really hate this morning sickness part of the pregnancy, I wish it would go away  
  
 "I bet it is not that much fun," I laughed.  
  
"You know I think Kerry was more surprised that you were pregnant than I was. I guessed that you were pregnant because you were sick for weeks, and then when you were here, you were tired and took naps whenever possible." 

  
"Great observation, Abby, maybe you should be a detective instead of a doctor," Susan laughed.   
  
"So how are you dealing with all this?"   
  
Susan sighed. "I don't know. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm having a baby. I always wanted to be a mother, but I'm just not sure that right now is the right time."   
  
I hugged Susan. "You are just scared about it right now, but you are going to make a great mother."   
  
"Thanks."   
  
A cab then pulled up. "That's my cab. I'll see you tomorrow," she said as she stood up.   
  
I waved at Susan. "Take care of yourself," I called out to her as I walked back into the ER.   
  
**   
  
Later that day,   
  
I was sitting in the lounge when I started to think about the conversation I had with Chuny and Sam.   
  
I had never really thought about it, but I have only dated Carter and Luka since I started here at County. They didn't turn out as good as I wanted them to, but you just never know how relationships are going to turn out.   
  
Suddenly I turned around, and I saw Sam standing in front of me. "Hi," I said.   
  
"Are you on your break?" she asked, as she sat down next to me.   
  
I nodded my head.   
  
"Kem is driving me crazy   
  
Kem…   
  
Carter's girlfriend. I saw them hugging each other when I was looking at the Romano's dedication. I heard that she was working at County today. I am happy that Carter found someone that is right for him, but I don't really want to see them together when I am working. This is my workplace. I don't expect to see my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend hanging around him.  I am still not sure how I feel about Kem and Carter together, but I can't make myself think about that, as I have to work on my med school. That is the important thing in my life right now.   
  
Suddenly my pager went off. "I have to go now, I'll see you later," I said, as I walked out of the lounge.   
  
**   
As I was walking out of the exam room, I saw Sam standing near the admitting desk, and I thought about what Chuny and I had said about Luka.   
_  
"What? We're studying" I said. "And you shouldn't talk, Chuny." Sam looked at Chuny.   
  
"Kovac gets around," Chuny said._   
  
I didn't want her to think that Luka wasn't a good guy, because he is. Luka had a bad year last year, but maybe Sam is just what he needs. I can see the way that they looked at each other that they feel something for each other.   
  
"Hey," I said. "Listen, about earlier, I don't want you to get the wrong idea about Luka. He's a good guy."   
  
"I'm not looking for anything right now," Sam said.   
  
"Okay, I just thought you should know."   
  
"Thank you, but independence works pretty good for me. Although, I wouldn't mind some regular sex."   
  
I laughed. "No kidding,"   
  
**   
Later that night,   
  
"Are you ready to go Abby?" Lester asked, as I was getting my jacket on. I turned around and smiled. "Yeah, I just got to get my book. Thanks for helping me study for this test. I'm not that great at tests."   
  
Lester laughed. "I don't think that I'm that good either."   
  
I laughed. "You're the one that aces all the tests!"   
  
Sam then entered the lounge. "Have a good evening you two," she said, smiling. "Bye," I said, as Lester and I walked out of the lounge.   
  
"Where would you like to study?" I asked, as we walked out of the ER.   
  
"There is a great diner a few blocks away," Lester said.   
  
"There used to be a diner right across from the hospital."   
  
"What happened to it?"   
  
"There was a big fire a few months ago  and now we have this place,"  
  
"Let's go get something to eat, I'm starving," Lester replied.   
  
"Sure, let's go." 

  
**

A couple of hours later,   
  
A waitress came up to us. "Would you like a refill on your coffee?"   
  
"Yes, please."   
  
"It is the only way I am going to be able to stay up and study for the test!" I laughed, trying to explain.   
  
Lester looked at me. "You are going to do fine; I think you know everything by heart by now."   
  
"I should, we have been going at it for 2 hours now."   
  
"So have you lived here all your life?" I asked.   
  
"I moved here 6 years ago. I used to live in Baltimore,"   
  
"I moved here to go the university,"  
  
"Yeah it is."   
  
"I still don't know how you work as a nurse and a med student." Lester said.  
  
"Drink a lot of coffee," I laughed. I looked at my watch. "Well I should be going now."   
  
"Me too," Lester said, as he got up.   
  
"Thanks for helping me study," I said, as we walked out of the diner.   
  
He smiled. "No problem, you will do just fine tomorrow."   
  
I laughed. "I hope so."   
  
"Bye," he said, as he walked away.   
  


**

I thought it would be a lot harder than this to see everyone around me so happy and in relationships. Luka and Sam have been spending a lot of time together,it will be no time before they are together, Kerry and Sandy have a baby, Susan's pregnant, Carter...he's with Kem now.  
And they have a new baby on the way. I don't know that I've really let that sink in yet or if I really just don't care. I'm still not sure how I feel on that issue yet. For right now all I want him to be is happy. He's still an important person in my life. But I don't know if I want to believe in or even think about an 'us' again...ever. I just don't know.   
  
For right now, even though it seems like everyone else around me is happy and in a relationship, I surprisingly don't feel the need or the want to be in one. Right now all I want to do is concentrate on school and work. Maybe after I graduate I'll have time to think about that and think about being in a relationship again, but for now I have enough on my plate. I'm busy enough without a love life to deal with.

**Author's Note: Sorry for taking so long, and thank you for all the reviews, and don't forgot to review!!!******


	13. Chapter 13

  
  
**Changes **  
  
Spoilers: Impulse Control   
  
  


Author's Note: Sorry for such a long wait and hope people are still reading this, and please review, thanks.

  
**Chapter 13**

  
  
I was standing by the admitting desk, thinking about my day, well, to be exact, about my TB patient. I had tried to get him to take his pills, but I know from experience with my family that you can't make somebody doing something that they don't want to do. They have to want to do themselves. 

  
"Excuse me, miss," said a voice, interrupting my thoughts. I looked up and saw a paramedic and a little girl standing in front of me.   
  
"What seems to be the problem?" I asked, as I went up to them "She was in a car accident, and sent to Mercy, but her family was sent here." I realized who she was; she was the little girl that the mom was so worried about. I looked up at the paramedic. "Is she hurt?"   
  
"No, she has a few bruises, but that is about it. She was really lucky."   
  
I nodded. "I know. I can take her now." The paramedic walked away. "What's your name?" I asked as I knelt down.  She then told me her name.  
  
"That is a very nice name," The little girl smiled slightly, but I knew that she was worried about her family.   
  
"My name is Abby. Let's go find your mom," I said, taking a hold of her hand.   
  
We started to walked down the corridors until I saw the exam room with the mom, I opened the door, and her mom and Sam both looked up. The girl took off running toward her mom.   
  
I knew that the mom lost her husband and her son today, but she was going to be okay. She still has something…her daughter. I looked back at them one more time before I turned and walked out of the room.   
  
**   
  
Later,   
  
I was standing at the check out counter at Jumbo Mart when I turned around, and saw Sam sitting down. She looked at me, and said. "Hamburgers and yogurt?"   
  
"Susan can only eat two things I have bring them up." I paid the clerk, and walked up to Sam.   
  
"Oh cool. Being pregnant sucks. You wanna sit?" Sam asked.   
  
"Sure," I said, as I sat down.   
  
"How are you handling, uh, nursing and student shifts? You ever get any sleep?" Sam asked.   
  
"Uh, not that much, no." I said. I sometimes wonder how I do it. I don't think I've had much sleep since I start being a med student.   
  
"That's what you get for switching careers."   
  
"Well, medical school was actually the plan for awhile, I just sort of got sidetracked."   
  
What with my family problems and my ex- husband, but now I am doing it. I'm not going to get sidetracked this time. I'm going to finish it.   
  
Sam started to tell me about when she got pregnant at fifteen. I was surprised that she was that young. I knew that she was young when she had Alex, but I didn't think she was still a teenager.   
  
Then suddenly she started to talk about when she went to an abortion clinic when she was pregnant with Alex. I looked up at her, and could tell she felt regret for even thinking about having an abortion. Then I did the hardest thing I have even done. I told her about my abortion.   
  
"The place I went to had this calendar with a picture of, uh, Strawberry Shortcake. I just stared at it the whole time."   
  
Even though it was many years ago, I can still remember a tiny detail like a calendar.   
  
Sam looked up at me, like she didn't know what to say. I continued on, not really feeling anymore, just talking. 

"It was with my ex- husband. He didn't want kids." I didn't tell her the real reason that I had an abortion was because I would never wanted my child to have the disease that my mom and my brother have.   
  
"Well I should be getting back to the hospital, or Susan will wonder where her food is," I laughed.   
  
Sam laughed too. "I remember when I was pregnant with Alex. I loved pickles."   
  
"It's weird what pregnant women want."   
  
We walked out of Jumbo Mart, and as we were walking back to the hospital she asked me, "You got a nursing shift?"   
  
"Yeah. You're off right?"   
  
"Yeah." Sam said, as she handed the bag of food to me. "See you tomorrow."   
  
"See you tomorrow."   
  
As I walked back into the ER, and entered the lounge, I couldn't believe that I told Sam about my abortion. It wasn't like it was something that I tell people. But I could see that she felt bad that she thought about having an abortion when she was pregnant with Alex, so I wanted to make her feel better by telling her that I had an abortion.   
  
Suddenly someone said my voice interrupting my thoughts. I turned around and saw Susan standing in front of me. "Did you get my food?" she laughed.   
  
I gave her the bag.   
  
"Thanks," Susan said, as she looked into the bag, pulled out a yogurt, sat down, and started to eat it. "I've been dying for a yogurt and a hamburger all day," Susan laughed as she ate.  
  
"It is so weird that this is the only thing that I can eat," Susan laughed. "So last week I told my dad about me having a baby."   
  
"So how did that go?" I asked.   
  
"It didn't go that bad. I can't believe that I am having a baby,"   
  
"I can't believe it either," I said, looking at her stomach. "You are getting big."   
  
Susan laughed. "I know, sometimes it doesn't even look like me anymore." Suddenly Susan stopped.   
  
"Are you okay?" I asked. She looked at me. "I just felt the baby kick," she said. "Do you want to feel it?" Susan asked. "Sure," I said, as I put my hand on her stomach. "That's amazing, is that the first time it happened?"   
  
"No, it happened a few times before. Chuck was so happy when he felt it."   
  
Suddenly Susan's pager went off. "I should be going now, thanks for getting the food for me, you are the best," she said, as she walked out of the lounge.   
  
  
**   
  
Later that night,   
  
I walked into the apartment, and I started to think about what I told Sam as I walked into the kitchen, and put the kettle on, to make tea. I went and sat on the couch. I never thought about that day for years, but now it is all come back to me.   
  
_Flashback…_   
_  
  
I walked into the clinic, walked up to the receptionist, told her my name, and then I went and sat down waiting for my turn. As I was waiting, I started to think about all the reasons that I shouldn't do this, but then I remember the one reason that I had to do it. There is no way that I would want my child to ever have the disease that Maggie has._   
  
The tea pot rang, interrupting my thoughts. I got up, and took my tea, and sat down.   
  
The day some many years ago, was the hardest decision that I ever had to make, but I had my reason for doing it. But I am not going to think of it anymore.   
  
My life is better now. I'm stronger. I know what I want and I'm doing okay. I'm back in med school and my life is stable. I haven't thought about that day in so long. I guess I don't want to think about that low point in my life when everything was going so terribly wrong. I'm better now. But tonight, sitting there with Sam, it all came rushing back. All those memories I've tried so long to push away flood into my mind like it was just yesterday I was sitting in that room, cold, nervous, just wanting to get it over with…   
  
I sit on the couch and stare into the tea, hurting from the memory of that day. I get up and set my tea cup on the counter, moving toward the bedroom. Today was one long day.   
  
  
  
Author's Note: There will be no post episode for Episode 15- Blood Relations, as there wasn't enough of Abby in there, but I will do a post episode for Episode 16- Forgive and Forget!!   
  



	14. Chapter 14

**Changes **  
**  
Chapter 14**   
  
Spoilers: Forgive and Forget 

Author's Note: Sorry for such a long wait, I hope people are still reading this story!!  
  
  
A doctor…   
  
A doctor is someone that is supposed to help a patient. Why didn't I see that he needed some serious help? I started to think about everything that had happened that day, but then I decided that I wasn't going to let this bug me, sometimes you get patients and you can't see anything wrong with them, but you know that there has to be something wrong somewhere.  You just can't help them because you don't know what the problem is. I guess that's what happened with this case. There was nothing different I could have done to prevent this. How I was supposed to know that he was going to get a tank?   
  
Carter then walked up to me. "Wow." I looked at him. "Yeah. Wow."   
  
"Well, at least the ER's slow," Carter said.   
  
"Closed to traumas, closed to transfers, closed to ambulances. Thank you, Dr. Morris," Chuny said, coming up behind us.   
  
Then she left, leaving me and Carter alone. Ever since John got back from Africa with Kem, we haven't really talked to each other, only as co- workers. It is taking some getting used to, but I realize that is how it is going to be. I'm not sure if John and I will ever go back to being best friends. There's just too much history between us.   
  
  
Carter turned to me. "Hey, I.R. called about, uh, Mr. Rojas, the driver that he hit. They 

repaired a small retroperitoneal bleeder. He's going to be fine."   
  
"What about his son?" I asked.   
  
"Still in surgery." Carter said.   
  
"I pulled his charts. The tank guy. Back strain, broken finger, nosebleed, five psych consults but no admissions, distant history of cocaine and amphetamine abuse…" I listed.   
  
"Probably nothing that would have convinced a psych resident to give him a bed." Carter said.   
  
"He had pressured speech, paranoia, delusions of grandeur..." I continued, trying to tell myself that psych would have taken him if I had called them.   
  
"Abby," Carter said, like he was trying to tell me that there was nothing I could have done.   
  
"I missed a drug- induced psychosis."   
  
"Psych saw him five times. He never met admission criteria. Don't beat yourself up over this," he told me.   
  
"I'm not beating myself up. The guy came here looking for help, and I let him go. That's what happened."   
  
The guy came here wanting help, and we didn't give him any. I'm not beating myself up for it, but I just feel bad because I'm a med student, and I was unable to help my patient. He came to the hospital for a reason, and I failed him.   
  
**

Later,  
  
Carter, Morris and I were in the trauma room, working on the tank guy. "Okay, let's prep for a chest tube."   
  
"Okay, I'll do the chest tube," Morris said.   
  
I couldn't believe what I just heard. Morris was the reason that this guy is in the situation. "No! Carter, he's not doing it," I said.   
  
Carter looked at me, like I couldn't tell him what to do, which is true since he is the chief resident and I am just a med student, but at the same time I think I know Morris is. "He was my patient," Morris said as he tried to justify himself.   
  
"Yeah he was and looked what happened," I said.   
  
There was silence as Carter thought for a moment. "Morris is up." I looked at Carter and returned his expressionless stare as I continued on with my work and helped Morris get ready. There was nothing more I could say. This was Morris's patient.   
  
  
  
**   
  
A few hours later,   
  
I walked out of the hospital when I saw Carter sitting on the bench. "Hey." He looked up at me.   
  
"Going home?"   
  
I nodded, as I sat down next to him. "I didn't mean to snap at you in the trauma, but I just didn't think Morris should have been working on him in there."   
  
"I'm the chief resident and Morris is a resident. I had to let him help. It is the only way he is going to learn," Carter said. I looked at Carter. I understood why he had to let Morris help. I just lost my temper in the trauma room.   
  
I stood up. "Well I have to get home."   
  
"Do you have some studying to do?"   
  
I nodded. "I'll see you tomorrow," I said as I walked away.   
  
  
**   
I walked into the apartment and saw that my answering machine was blinking. I pressed the button, and listened to the message. It was from Maggie, who wanted to make sure that I was okay, since she heard that there was a tank coming towards the hospital. I guess she didn't watch all the news to hear that nobody from the hospital was hurt. I took my jacket off and walked to the living room.   
  
I sat down on the couch and laid my head on the pillow. What a day I had. You never know working at Cook County General Hospital what the day is going to bring. Even since I have worked there, there have been many incidents, most recently before today the helicopter that fell on Doctor Romano. 

  
I turned the tv, and started going through the channels to see what was on, I just wanted to forgot about another crazy day at County General.

  
   
  



	15. Chapter 15

  
  
Spoilers: The Student   
  
Summary: Abby finds she can change and grow from the many things that happen to her, both good and bad. A post episode series for Season 10.   
Author's Note: For a change, this post episode is going to be what happened after the show. 

**Changes **

****

  
**Chapter 15**

  
"Would you like another cup of coffee miss?" the waitress asked me at Ike's.   
I looked up at her. "Yes, please."   
  
I was waiting for Neela to show up. After my shift ended, I'd run into her, and I knew that she needed a friend to talk to after the day that she had, so I told her to meet me in half an hour. That was about 35 minutes ago.   
  
It was such a hard day for her. I don't know what I would have done in the same situation. Being a nurse, I have seen attendings and doctors mess up as well. Sometimes these things happen, and you kill a patient. You don't want it to happen, but it does.   
  
Suddenly someone said my name and I looked up to see Neela standing in front of me. I stood up and hugged her. "Hey, how are you doing?"   
  
She sat down. "How do you feel when you kill your patient?"   
  
I looked at her. "These things happen, Neela. How were you supposed to know that the drugs were going to have that effect on him?"   
  
"I should have waited to hear back from the nursing home about what drugs he took. It is my fault that this man is dead."   
  
I looked at Neela and could tell how upset she was. I wasn't sure what exactly to say to her. The only thing I could say was, "You'll take this mistake and learn from it."   
  
Neela smiled. "I guess I should. Are you sure you are a med student?"   
  
I laughed. "Sometimes I don't feel like I am a med student."   
  
Suddenly the waitress showed up. "Would you like anything else?"   
  
"I'll just have a refill," I said, handing her my coffee.   
  
"I'll have a vodka," Neela told the waitress.   
  
"Do you remember what happened last time you had a drink?" I laughed. Neela looked at me. "Yes I do, but after the day I've had, I think I need one."   
  
A few hours later.   
  
"So I think it is time for us to leave, it looks like they are going to close," I said.   
  
Neela looked at me. "How do you know this is the right place for you? I mean working in medicine."   
  
"You just know. I know today was a hard day for you, but you are going to be   
a great doctor."   
  
Neela stood up. "Yeah, if I don't kill all my patients."   
  
"I think you've just had a few too many drinks," I said as we left Ikes.   
  
"Do you need a ride home?" I asked. Neela shook her head. "No, I'm going to   
take the El home. I'll see you tomorrow."   
  
I watched as Neela walked away from me. I started to walk to my car and thought of everything that happened that day with Neela. She was so confused about being a doctor, but I remember a time when I was too. When I was just a nurse and had gotten kicked out of med school. Now I am about to become a doctor. It's quite a change from what I used to be.   
  
I opened the door and picked up my mail, walked into the apartment and   
saw that there were messages on my answering machine.   
  
I pressed the button on the answering machine and was putting the kettle on, when I suddenly heard Neela's voice. I turned around and listened.   
  
"Abby, it's me, Neela. I just wanted to thank you for meeting me. I still can't believe what happened today. But thanks again, I'll see you at work tomorrow! Let's just hope I don't kill anyone. Bye!"   
  
I laughed at Neela's message. I guess she is still a little drunk, I thought as I opened up the fridge, and started to make a sandwich.

As I walked over to the living room, I started to think of everything that happened that day.   
  
The day all started when Carter told Neela to be more assertive, and I think she tried a little too much. I understand why Carter pushed Neela, as being the attending, he saw that she was more a book person than a hands on person and he just want her to get more hands on experience.  
  
But as a med student myself, I understand how stressful it can be. You are trying to show everyone that you are going to make a great doctor and the only way you can do that is to do hands on experience, and I think that is why Neela did what she did. She wanted to show everybody that she was good at being a doctor both academic and hands on.   
  
I remember when I was first a med student many years ago. I felt the same way. I wanted to show everybody that I was good at being a doctor. But this time it is very different as working as a nurse for so many years have helped me. I think I'm better at working with patients now as a person. Medically I don't know that much more than I did before, but knowing how to deal with patients and situations is half of the job, and that's something I think I've gotten good at.

Then there is Gallant, I know that everybody thinks what Gallant did was wrong, but I think I understand why he did what he did. He saw that Neela made a mistake, since she was pushing too hard, so he decided to tell everybody that he did it, since he knew if they found out that Neela made a mistake, she would be kicked out of med school, and he didn't want to see that happen. I don't know if that was the right thing to do, but I see why he did it.   
  
I'm going to be a intern, but would I do the same thing? I don't know.

I picked up my plate, and placed it on the counter where my textbook was lying. I picked it up and grinned.   
  
Dr. Lockhart. If something told me months ago that I would be going back to med school, I would have laughed, but here I am working towards becoming a doctor. I laid the book back on the counter and walked into the bedroom.

To be continued


	16. Chapter 16

**Changes **

Spoilers: Episode 18 – "Where There's Smoke"

**Chapter 16**

I was at the admitting desk when Chuny walked towards me. "Have you seen Susan?" I asked.   
  
"She's in Exam 2."   
  
"Thanks," I said, as I walked to Exam 2 and knocked on the door.   
  
"Come in."   
  
"Susan, are you okay?" I asked when I saw Susan with a monitor on her belly.   
  
"I think it's just Braxton Hicks."   
  
"It probably is," I reassured her.   
  
"Have you called your OB/GYN?" I asked. Susan nodded. "She is coming soon, but I wanted to see myself that my baby is okay."   
  
{{  
A while later,   
  
"You are going to need bed rest for the remaining 5 weeks," the OB/GYN told Susan.   
  
"I can't," Susan protested.   
  
"She will," I said, as the doctor left the exam room. I sat down. "I failed my boards," I said, in a desperate need to break the silence. She looked at me. I shrugged. "You need a 182 to pass and I got a 167."   
  
"You can't study when you are doing double shifts."   
  
I smiled. It was true. It was hard to study when I work so much, but if I didn't work, I wouldn't be able to go to med school.   
  
"But it's not like a building collapsed on me, I can take them again," I told Susan.   
  
I realized today that even though I didn't pass the exams, worse things could have happened to me, like what Kerry is going through with Sandy.   
  
"Do you need a ride home? I can take a break," I said to Susan.   
  
"No, I'm going to take a cab home. I'll be fine," Susan said as she got up.   
  
Suddenly my pager went off. "I have to go now, but call me later and tell me how you are,"   
  
Susan smiled. "Okay." I waved back to her as I walked out of the room.   
  
{{{

Later,   
  
As I was sitting in the lounge on my break, I started to think of Kerry and what she was going through right now with Sandy. I don't what I would do if someone I loved was in that situation. I then started to remember a happier time for both of them.   
  
The day that Henry was born… I never saw Kerry as happy as she was that day. She wasn't the same Dr. Weaver that she is down in the ER, she was the happy mother of Henry.   
  
Suddenly someone walked into the lounge, and interrupting my thoughts. I looked up and saw Chuny. "How's Sandy?"   
  
She looked up at me. "She's died an hour ago."   
  
"Oh my god. How's Kerry holding up?"   
  
"I don't know. Elizabeth just said that Sandy die, that they tried all they could, but it wasn't enough."   
  
I sighed. This wasn't right. Kerry and Sandy just had Henry, but sometimes bad things happen, and there is nothing you can do.   
  
My pager then suddenly went off. "I should be getting back to work," I said, as I walked out of the lounge. 

{{{

Later that day,  
  
As I closed my locker, I heard someone calling my name. I turned around and saw Sam standing in front of me. "Hey Abby, do you want to go get some coffee?"   
  
I smiled. "Thanks, but I have something that I need to do."   
  
Sam nodded. "Did you hear about Sandy? That must be so hard for Dr. Weaver."   
  
"I can't imagine what she is going through right now."   
  
Sam opened her locker and grabbed her jacket. "I'll walk out with you."   
  
"I'm not going home yet, I'm going to go and see Kerry," I said, as we left the lounge. Sam looked at me. "I didn't know you two were friends."   
  
"I wouldn't say we're friends."   
  
I waved goodbye to Sam, and started to walk towards the elevator. I pressed the button and walked in. I didn't know what I was going to say to Kerry. I didn't know what you say to someone who just lost the person that they love.   
  
As I walked to the admitting desk in the OR.

"Where is Dr. Weaver?" I asked. The receptionist pointed to the waiting room.   
  
I opened the door and saw Kerry sitting on a chair.   
  
"Kerry," I started, searching for words. "I'm so sorry."   
  
She nodded.   
  
"Do you need a ride home or someone to watch Henry?" I asked, as I sat down next to her.   
  
"He's with Sandy's family,"   
  
"Okay"  
  
She looked up at me, but didn't say anything. Then she started to cry. I hugged her and let her cry in my arms.

"Do you need a ride home?" I asked her again.   
  
Kerry shook her head. "No."   
  
I stood up and said goodbye to Kerry as I left the waiting area.   
  
{{{   
  
I walked out of the hospital and up to stairs towards the El when I saw Neela.   
  
"Neela?" I replied. She turned around. "Abby."   
  
I could tell Neela was upset about something. "Is everything okay?"   
  
She looked at me. "Gallant went to Iraq."   
  
"I heard that."   
  
"I don't know if we could have been anything, but I wish he could have stayed and I could figure it out. I found him just before he was leaving and we kissed each other."   
  
"I'm sorry, Neela."   
  
"Its fine, Abby, he's gone. So are you on your way home?" Neela asked, as we got into the El.   
  
Neela and I sat down. "Yes, I have some studying to do."   
  
"So are you going to take the boards again?" Neela asked. I smiled. "Of course I am and I'm going to past it this time for sure."   
  
"Of course, you are going to." Neela said. "Maybe if you weren't working both as a nurse and a med student you would have time to study."   
  
I laughed. "I wish I didn't have to work as a nurse, but that is the only way I am going to be able to pay for med school."   
  
Neela stood up. "This is my stop, I'll see you tomorrow," she said, as she waved at me.   
  
" Bye," I said, as Neela walked out of the EL.   
  
I walked into the apartment, threw my jacket on the chair, got myself something to eat, and then I walked towards the living room. I started to think of the day that I just had, and everything that happened, first with Kerry and then with Susan and her having to be on bed rest. I didn't have a great day either, what with failing my boards.   
  
But I realized that I can just take them again, that there are worse things that could have happened to me. At least I didn't lose the love of my life today or have to be on bed rest for the sake of my baby's health.  
  
I leaned over to the coffee table and grabbed my textbook. The only way that I was going to pass my boards next time is if I study more, and that is exactly what I am going to do.   
  
I will pass it.


	17. Chapter 17

**Changes **

Author's Note: Yes I know it has been ages since I updated this story, but I have major writer's block, but I'm back now, I promise I will update more often! Thanks for Heather for editing this for me.

Chapter 17

"Abby" I hear someone yell, "Abby" yells Carter.

"Hey, you off?"

"Yeah, you?"

"Yeah, Coffee..?"

"Sure"

"So do you see Susan much?" Carter asked me, as I was drinking my coffee.

"I tried as much as I can but with med school it is hard. She can't wait for the baby to just come," I laughed.

"I know how she feels," Carter said. "I can't wait until my son is born,"

Abby nodded. "So how's Kem doing?"

"She's doing good, getting bigger."

"And med school, how's it going?" Carter asked.

I smile. "It's going well."

"So you're doing your psych rotation, right?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I actually think I like it."

And then silence, neither of us know what to say, but silently acknowledging the fact that my 'family dynamics' make it easy for me to enjoy and understand the field.

Suddenly Carter's pager went off. "I should get back,"

"Yeah, me too" I said, as I got up and walked out of the Jumbo Mart.

Later that day,

I close my locker, and start to think about what Kerry told me. Who would pay my tuition off? I'm really surprised that it happened, but I don't know who would have enough money to do it, or who would want to for that matter.

I'm being stupid, there's only one person with that much money to spare. Grabbing my bag, I walk out of the lounge on my quest to find Carter.

"Jerry, you see Carter lately?"

"Yeah, he's outside waiting on a MVA"

I walk out and there he is, just standing there..

"What are you doing?"

"I'm waiting for an ambulance" he tells me.

"Carter"

"What?"

"I'm not taking your money," He then looks up at me. "What are you talking about?" he says with a smile.

"I'm not one of your charities"

"Oooooh, I was hoping to count you as one of my friends" he replies. I look at him; I do still count him as one of my friends, maybe not best friends like we were before. But still not close enough to take large sums of money.

"Neither borrower nor lender be."

He looks at me, his expression changing to seriousness. "Abby, I'm not loaning you the money, I'm giving it to you. I want you to think of it as an investment in the future of medicine."

I laugh. "You'd be better off with tech stocks"

You know, in the time it's taken us to have this little conversation I've made your salary, for the rest of your life, in interest." he replies.

"Wow, when you put it that way, how about a couple of extra grand for a new car!" I say, laughing.

A motorcycle drives into the ambulance bay; my ride is here.

"Hey, you can't park there; this is where we park the ambulance,"

"He's with me," I reply. This is our first date. I don't know exactly how it's going to go, but I can at least try.

"I'll pay you back," I say to him as I board the bike. As we drove away, I'm sure that I heard Carter said to that we should be using our helmets.

I smiled to myself, for the past few months I have been working on becoming a doctor; I haven't had time to have a social life, but tonight that is going to change, I'm not going to think about work or school, just about having a good time.

The next morning,

I'm getting ready, and the phone starts ringing. "Hello?"

"So how did it go?" Susan asks. I put my cup of coffee on the kitchen counter, and sit down.

"It was fine; he left a few hours ago." I say, with a grin on my face.

"Oh Abby…" Susan laughs. "I didn't think you would go that far on the first date,"

"It wasn't our first date, we went out a few times before," I replied, she doesn't need to know the truth. "But I don't think I will be seeing him again though,"

"Why not?" Susan asks. "Was he not…"

"I'm not talking to you about my love life, or lack of it. I'm drawing the line here," I reply, laughing. Taking a sip of my coffee.

"We decided that it just wouldn't work out with my long shifts at the hospital, and everything." I then explain to Susan everything that happened last night.

"I'm sure that you will find the right person, I did, and I look at me, I'm really happy," Susan said.

"That's not what you told me last week; you were cursing the baby out of you,"

Susan laughed. "Okay maybe I did say that, but it's just because I don't want to be on bedrest anymore."

I look at the clock. I need to get to work or I'm going to be late. "I'm sorry Susan, but I've got to get ready to go"

"Have fun at work"

"Right, have fun watching TV and laying on the couch all day. See ya"

I sigh to myself, I wish that I could be in a real relationship, but right now in my life I have to think about med school, and becoming a doctor. I don't have time for a love life.

I pick up my jacket, and all I can think about is yesterday in the Psych ward, and how my rotation is going. It took a while for me to get the patients to listen to me, but all it took was for me to light up a cigarette and then they all started to talk.

The scariest thing is that I am closer and closer to becoming Dr. Lockhart.

Dr. Lockhart, I am beginning to like that. And knowing that I wont have to pay loans off for the rest of my life is comforting, I still don't understand why he did that, it's not like we're a couple anymore, he doesn't need to do stuff like that for me. But I guess in some ways, he feels like we are still close.

If you told me a year ago that I was going to want to become a doctor after all these years, I would have laughed at you. But now becoming a doctor is my life… And between med school and work, I don't have much of a life, but I wouldn't want it any other way.


End file.
